Ace's Useless Journal

Monday, 12 Dec 2011

Got here a few days ago. Sandra drove me. Because she can't take care of me, but somehow she has time to drive me to bumfuck nowhere, England. The... Lake Country, or something. Something with a lake? Anyway, Sandra said to do this for Ma. Okay, right. Do what for her? Be abandoned again? For fuck's sake... If I can get a meaningful and lasting relationship, romantic or platonic, with anyone... well, it hasn't happened in at least a year. I've tried to hold onto caustic relationships with friends back home, and that blew up in my face. Every. Fucking. Time. So, of course, like everyone else, the Neelys just see me as a burden, realise this, and tell me that I should be put in a nice, quiet, happy home where suddenly I might want to frolic through meadows chasing butterflies and making daisy chains.

I overheard her talking about 'fixing' me. Well this is like trying to fix me with that weak as fuck glue stick they make you use in early primary school, adhering stupid things to more stupid things and then it's somehow a masterpiece. It's not. It comes apart after a few days anyway. I could go with this analogy for days...

Anyway, I'm assigned to do stables chores. And now it dawns on me that I'd have liked to have a pony. There's this one there, a Dales, I really love. Her name is Lottie. She's a cute, speckled little thing with crimped hair and she's very sweet. I would have liked to have one like her. Too late. I'll have to enjoy this one, because I plan on leaving when I'm eighteen. Really leaving. And it'll be easier to make sure I'm alone.

In the meantime, maybe I'll see about something to help me sleep. I dozed for a while last night. Slept for maybe an hour, then another hour and a half after I woke up and stared at the ceiling for a bit. I had quite a strange dream in that one hour. I can't remember a lot of it. I only remember waking up and being completely baffled by it. I think the next round of sleep erased it. But I know that somehow and for some reason, it bothered me... Just give me an Ambien IV. Let me be a zombie. It's better than hurting.

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Just got back from the stables; that was fairly normal. Before that I had to go to a group therapy. Saw Nate there, and Hux, and Faith. I was strangely kind of happy to see Nate. Said he sees people die, but he's still so nice. He had the purple marker I gave him. Seems like he really likes it.

The head of psychiatry is like... well, they say psychiatrists are usually about as fucked up as their patients. I would say this guy was never hugged as a child. Maybe his parents were afraid to hug him lest he shoot them with the eye lasers he probably has. Whatever the case, he is pretty strange. Though not quite as strange as this guy who killed a poor defenseless hamster. I had one of those once--it was just sort of fat and lazy and didn't give a fuck, like the second coming of Grandpa Finn. Killing one would be evil and pointless.

So we had to talk about why we're here. Lovely subject to get us all to know each other. Start us off by being afraid of one another. Like Dead Hamster boy. And the cute guy with the blood fetish, but really unless that one can hook me up with a blade of some sort I don't care really. No one else is all that scary. Faith is harmless, Ortega is harmless, Nate is sweet no matter what he or anyone else says. Hux is indeed a normal teenager, I would think; drugs and attention are kind of something most of us want and/or are curious about. The worst thing you could get from Hux is him talking your ear off and then you have to get it stitched back on, but he's harmless and nice too.

There was that girl there that has stables with that American and me. Unpleasant as usual, but again, harmless.

So he asked me why I was here, and I told him that I wasn't wanted anymore by my foster family, apparently, and that I had attempted a few times... He all but said it was my fault. The fucking bastard. Oh, it was nothing you've done? Of COURSE not. I didn't kill her. Well... I could have stopped her... But... Why would he try to-- here I was being told by most people that it wasn't my fault, even though it might have been, just a little... And he implied that I had done something wrong.

I didn't MEAN to. Why would I?

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

The page is covered with tear stains.

Another therapy today. Well I don't think she was a therapist but I don't think it matters. What matters is that it was horrible... I thought it would be better this time, but it was quite possibly even worse than yesterday's.

It was this McDonald lady. She was really happy, flaky, stupid-cheerful. She had us draw things, with crayons. Things that make us... happy. I just... I started drawing what used to make me happy. Then I realised I'm not happy anymore, and nothing makes me happy like it used to. I'm sick and tired of all this. Seriously...

I told her nothing made me happy. I guess,she didn't care because she didn't ask dumb questions like she did to everyone else. I told her I didn't want to talk about what I drew. She didn't press the issue like she did with some... Like that poor geeky kid who kept breaking his crayons. I felt so bad for him, poor thing...

But I was stupid and drew her even though it always upsets me just thinking about it. And then I accidentally cried, and I'm sure they all saw... Well I know Keziah... Or should I say, BLACKBIARD... She did, and said something about soggy riceballs, and I really wanted to give her the bird or tell her to shut the fuck up, she's probably more fucked up even than Dead Hamster Boy (who was also there), or maybe even just punch that fugly snood right off her head... But I realized that she is just a bully and not worth it. Not to mention it would make chores horrible. I mean, I would be her friend... I really would, but she doesn't want to give anyone a chance. So it's just not even worth trying.

Nate was there, but he got sent to the infirmary because Flaky the redhead spazzball got freaked out by a little blood. He kept smiling at me, even though we didn't talk. Maybe he makes me just a little happy, but I couldn't draw him, because then everyone would think we're a thing or something... The teasing would never end. Maybe if we were I would. But not otherwise because kids only believe what they want to.

The whole thing was out of control. I tried not to pay attention to it but it was kind of hard. I'm not sure if she realized that kids were going to think this was stupid, and that we weren't really jumping for joy at the prospects of talking about our feelings to everyone...

But at least I took my picture and never had to show it.

But, shit, I think I left the first one I drew there... Maybe she won't find it, or... Well, actually I almost don't mind if she sees. I just didn't want the other kids to.

7 February, 2011

[[Dr. Savage IS allowed by Ace to see this.]]

Haven't written in a while. Mostly been reading, chores, whatever. Therapy. Savage, you ask hard questions. I don't want to talk about them. What am I supposed to tell you? The truth, I know, but I don't like the truth, because the truth is I kind of inadvertently kind of got her killed. It was my fault. I've been told this, not in those words exactly, but it's been... alluded to. Right then. That's why it makes me upset, and that's why I'm not talking about it. Because it makes me upset. It also makes me upset. All right?

Been hanging out with Nate now and then. Nothing of significance. He's cool, as always. now that everything's been smoothed out with the whole Ell

Probably gonna go swimming with Hux sometime. Neither of us have been to the pool. He's supposed to come set a date and time or whatever at some point. Hah, making appointments with my roommate.

I don't think Kizzy and I hate each other anymore. I don't think we can be...friends, but it seems we can at least be civil. So that's good.

I want to go home.