All my feelings rose today (Ninian)

Peeking cautiously into the hall, Harry took a moment to do a little surveillance before slipping through the barely opened door. Gripping the doorknob tightly, he eased the door back into its original closed position before he moved back down the hall. He had no idea why he was being so careful to not be caught. He’d probably attract less attention if he just walked normally. Hell, if he looked like his usual self people would be too scared to question him. Instead, Harry looked a little off as he quickly and quietly moved from dormitory three back to his own. He wasn’t typically the type to sneak since he didn’t care one way or another if he was caught but this was…different. This wasn’t him standing in the stairwell smashing a girl’s face in. They’d made enough noise to wake the dead and potential of being found was extremely high. Harry had just rolled with that knowledge, figuring he should just keep it up until they were found. But right now the idea of being found put the blond boy off. He didn’t want to have to explain why he’d been in dorm three when there was no one there. If they went to look inside they’d question him even further and honestly Harry did not have an answer.

Why had he left those cookies on Cecil’s bed? What had been the point? A peace offering? When he found out they were baking this immediate thought was to give some to the other blue eyed boy. Was this his subconscious making him apologize for wanting to kill him? Or perhaps it was because it had been so long since he’d seen him. After all, Cecil had been gone for weeks and Harry had only recently caught glimpses of him while he was being shuffled from class to chores and so on. What had happened? Where had he been? Was he okay? No one had told him that anything had happened but he figured that Dr. Bjorgen would have said something. If he wanted to nurture the seeds of affection that had been sown surely he would tell Harry if something was wrong with Cecil. Even if it was just to test his reaction he would have said, right? Harry wanted to smack himself, sick of all the thoughts passing through his head. He didn’t care whether or not Cecil was hurt. He didn’t give a rat’s ass about the boy beyond the satisfaction he got when he hurt him.

Harry came to an abrupt stop outside his dorm door, turning to look back at the other room. He should go get them. Cecil wouldn’t eat them anyway. Harry had left the note spelling out that they weren’t toxic but that didn’t mean it would be believed. Perhaps that’s what he wanted him to think. But as he stood there with his hand hovering over the doorknob he thought back to that group session with Dr. Bjorgen. He had one chance left. If he fucked up again, he was done. Harry would spend the rest of his Highgrove experience in seclusion on a heavy regiment of loopy pills and he’d never see…As that thought came to his mind Harry made himself enter his dorm, kicking the door shut behind him. He could go back and get the snickerdoodles but he shouldn’t. He was supposed to focusing on what he felt and not dismissing them as ‘nothing’. Making peace with Cecil was step one on that road to freedom. He should use these feelings to his advantage. If he could learn from them and attempt to apply them to other people he’d be golden. He may not truly feel them for the population at large but he could learn to fake it. The doctor seemed to have it down. The man was intimidating without having to lift a finger. It was something to aspire toward. Harry could be like that if he worked at it.

Harry cleared the dorm in a few strides, stopping beside his bed. He had a new bunk mate since the pikey disappeared but he hadn’t met the new boy yet. Harry sat down on the side of his bottom bunk as these thoughts and feelings danced around his mind, making him question everything. What was he going to do now? Leaning back he dropped back onto the bed, eyes fixed on the bottom of the bed above him, toes tapping on the hard wood floor. He didn’t know how long he laid there, his mind working overtime to create a plan for the future. A baking group was easy to play nice through but what if they got into a serious discussion? He didn’t like his personal life being questioned and he could easily snap at whoever was running the session. If he did that would be the end of him. Harry was so far gone at the moment that he did not hear the door creaking open. If he had he’d have come up off the bed in a heartbeat. But instead he lay there still, trying to sort himself and his next year and a half at Highgrove.

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Since the warden who had shown him around Highgrove when he first arrived had pointed out his bed, Ninian had been reinforcing the vow in his head that he would switch bunks with the person below him at all costs. He couldn't be on the top bunk. He just couldn't. it would be a disaster if... anything happened. And whoever was sleeping below him would surely hate him and tell everyone. And then he'd be back to being stared at, whispered about, picked on. Besides, how bad cold it be? Milton had been very friendly, after all. maybe the people here were nicer, maybe they were better, because they were all as fucked up as he was. And maybe he could bribe them with these cookies that Milton had mostly made. Ninian wasn't sure what else to do with the baked goods otherwise. Sweets were for after dinner only. No, I don't want to think about after dinner. He winced as he crept down the hallway, trying to think of anything but that. What's wrong, Nicholas? Do you need some time out? No. No he certainly did not. If he could just be good... Already he'd fixated on that word in the handbook. Seclusion. It had struck a deep cord of dread somewhere inside of him. What if this place is just like- No. It's not. It couldn't be. Stop it. Just stop it.

Heading back toward his dormitory, he was still thinking of running and hiding somewhere, but now he had these cookies to put away, and Milton had been kind enough to show him this far through the house. Maybe his bunkmate would be there, and maybe he could get him to switch with him now. And then he could run away and hide somewhere, somewhere where he wouldn't be disturbed, somewhere where he could be forgotten about for a while. He'd spent a great deal of the last six months or so finding all the best corners and crooks to disappear into at Maidstone House, and this place looked like it had so many more. He'd never crawl into a cupboard to hide, certainly, nor a closet, but if he could find a small space where he could see out and no-one could see in, that would be perfect. Behind an old armchair in the corner of the room, or perhaps under a side-table with a table cloth, where the light could still get in and he wouldn't think of the hallway cupboard. He'd grown too tall for that tiny space too quickly, but it had never stopped them. Curled up as small as he could make himself, they had still managed to push him inside and turn the key in the lock. No light. No air. He usually gave up screaming or crying after the first half an hour. He'd learned that no-one was coming.

There were too many of these awful thoughts to fend off as he made the last part of the trek to his dormitory on his own, and at the apex of the hallway he vaguely recognised, he broke into an awkward jog, the box of cookies clasped tightly between both hands. Yes, he'd stash these and then run off somewhere before one of the wardens could locate him. He'd gotten good at evading discovery these last three months. How hard could it be here, in this massive old house? When he reached the door and found it was mostly closed, he stopped outside of it anxiously. What if his bunkmate was here? What if they didn't want to trade? What was he going to do? What if they thought he was a freak? The freak that you are, you mean? So many things could go wrong, but what choice did he have? It would just be too humiliating to fail. And so, after gathering himself and taking a deep breath, he slowly pushed the door open and crept inside a little ways. There he is... it's now or never. With Harry half occluded in his bunk, Ninian did not recognise him from their group session some while ago. If he had, he surely would have just turned around and run the other way, instead of opening his mouth to say anything. Realisation -and the resulting horror- would dawn later, but for now, the boy occupying the bunk was as anonymous as he himself.

"Uh... Hello. I was wondering..." His voice was quiet, but clear enough to make out. He tried not to stammer or stutter. Mummy had hated that, and Daddy had belted him for it more than once. The plastic box of cookies creaked slightly under the intensity of his grip on it. "... would you like to switch bunks? I'm... afraid of heights." It was a lie, and lies were terrible things. But he couldn't rightly come out and tell this anonymous that he wet the bed sometimes like the big baby he was. It was too, too mortifying. "Only... they told me I'm on the top bunk and if you maybe wanted to switch then I..." He shrugged helplessly, waiting for an answer from the anonymous. "You can have these if you want..." he probably should wait to sweeten the deal until he'd actually gotten an answer, but he was too eager for this to go well, for this other boy to just jump at the idea.

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