Someone to Talk To (Finished)

His footsteps echoed down the near-empty hallway as he walked, hands behind his back, head down staring at the floor. He had to stop doing that to himself, going on the intranet just to meet up with someone who was going to hand his ass to him just because they were unhappy with their own life. Ace didn't know why he was such a target and it was starting to upset him quite a bit. Someone on the outside would say that he wasn't a target, but to him, he was; if they weren't with him, they were against him. Maybe not so decisively, but that was the way it tended to go. Kizzy was an exception, but she was probably the only one. He couldn't blame her for the things she'd said, but other people, he could. TrueBeliever, pssht. Ace himself was brought up Catholic, and was brought up by two Catholics not to look down on people, not to judge lest he be judged, and just to be a decent human being. And he'd tried so hard.

He got to the stairs, and then he decided that he didn't actually want to go back up to his dorm. But he didn't want to walk the halls. He didn't want to go back to the computer, or go to the stables, or go find Nate, or anything. His mind was confused enough by Nate anyway, since the boy had never actually cleared things up, and he could be fucking Ellen for all he knew. This brought a strangled sob from him and he sank down onto one of the stairs, burying his head in his knees. So this was probably what Tristan felt, when Ace all but told him that he didn't want to be in love anymore. And that was Ace's punishment for breaking a boy's heart: having his own broken in turn.

All it took was one thought of Nate and what he might be doing, and Ace wanted to think that he had nothing to do with the Chav girl anymore, and knew he probably didn't, but in that weakness, his mind told him the worst things possible. Somehow, the little probably-born-again had triggered the worst in him, and all he could do was sit and cry because of the things his mind told him. It wasn't that he didn't trust the boy he loved... well... sort of. Right now, he didn't know who he could trust. He had half a mind to go and find Dr. Rose and talk to him, because he had to talk to someone, and the man had told him he could... but about this? He'd get in trouble. Now, he just wished his mother was there; he could cry to her, tell her everything, and she wouldn't judge him or be angry with him.

Here, though, he couldn't talk to anyone about it. Faith wouldn't care, nor would Beth, he thought, and Kizzy wasn't yet a good enough friend, and... well, maybe he could talk to Hux, but the attraction was already there, and it would just turn into the same thing it had last time, during the blackout and mass hysteria. He didn't want that. He only wanted one person. But also someone he could talk to.

He didn't really realize that he was near hysterics, sobbing so hard his whole body shook. Why did he let people do this to him? Why did they even matter? But they did for some stupid reason; they always had. He'd started feeling sorry for that stupid troll, whoever they were, and now he only felt sorry for himself.

If it was possible, Nate was likely more confused than Ace. Between Ellen and the Asian, the brunette artist wasn’t sure if he was coming or going, gay or straight, up or down. It was a big tangle, and how the knot was going to unravel itself was the biggest mystery occupying the teenager’s mind at this point in time. His urge to draw had almost completely disappeared, and that was the second mystery. Ever since he’d hit puberty he’d wanted to scribble on folks, and now, that urge was just gone. Like it had poofed into the wind or something. He did notice that other things had taken over, more traditional OCD behaviors. He now had to make his bed at least four times every morning, brush his teeth a certain way, shower a certain way, but even that wasn’t as bad as it had been a few weeks ago. Perhaps he was actually getting better? It was a random thought that Nate scoffed at. He was confident that something would spring up and kick his ass if he got too cocky, so he just waited for the next turn in behavior.

He and Ellen were getting along better these days. She still expected him to jump her at every opportunity, and tried to provide those opportunities, but as yet, Nate hadn’t bitten. There was just something holding him back, and although he couldn’t exactly name what it was, he knew that he couldn’t take her up on the offer any more than he had by kissing her. Perhaps it was lingering guilt, perhaps it was the budding feelings for Ace, whatever it was, it was strong enough to override the desire of a seventeen year old boy. Quite a feat in and of itself. He didn’t reflect on the fact much, although Ellen was likely questioning his sexuality again. At this point, he wasn’t all that sure what or who he was, so he was almost content to let her believe whatever she wished to believe.

The artist wandered down the stairs, pausing as he heard the sound of quiet sobbing echoing up to him. He couldn’t see the person from his vantage point, and for a moment he considered turning and quietly retreating in the opposite direction, but the sound pulled at the rotten strings that surrounded his heart and he knew that running wasn’t an option. He would have to go and see what he could do to help the poor person suffering down below him. It wasn’t a choice that inspired any great joy, especially when he didn’t know who the person was. It could be anyone, and if it was someone new, woe betide, the visions might come back. He’d just barely got used to them being gone.

Nate made as much noise as he could manage as he came down the stairs towards the crier. When he got into view of who it was, his steps picked up and he skidded to a stop next to Ace, dropping down to the step with a quiet oof and gathering the other boy to his chest. He didn’t know what had happened to Ace, but to make the poor boy cry like this was completely unacceptable. Nate ran his hand over Ace’s head, fingers running through the dark hair and murmured nonsense for a few minutes, trying to calm him down a bit.

“Ace, sweetheart, what’s wrong?” Nate was unaware of the endearment he’d used. All of his focus was on Ace, and what he could do to make him feel better.

Ace couldn't even hear the footsteps running toward him; he could only hear the sounds he made and the thoughts in his head. He wished Nate was there, wished so hard, as hard as he'd wished his mother was there. How the other boy came to be as important to Ace as she was, he didn't know.

But he felt himself being pulled into a different position, and he allowed it before he realized that it was Nate, that his wish had come true, to put it melodramatically. He didn't even have to look to know. He had already memorized what that body looked like, knew what it felt like holding him, even knew his scent, as stalkerish as that sounded, just all from the one time they'd kissed. He wrapped his arms around the other's waist and nestled his head into his shoulder, calming a bit, but still feeling burning tears trailing from his eyes.

This, at least, meant that Ace was wrong, and was wrong for not trusting him. So far as he knew, at least. He didn't want to share; he wanted Nate to be his, like he was at least in that moment. He leaned forward more, his crying slowing and quieting as his hair was stroked. Finally, he could talk, but all he did was whine Nate's name, until he was asked what was wrong.

What was wrong? Now, he didn't even really know why he was crying. That happened fairly often, though. He tried to think back. The person online had been mean, and he'd walked off angry. Then, that transitioned to thinking that he kind of wanted to go find Nate but was afraid of what he might find, if Nate was still hanging around Ellen. Then, all he could think about was how much he loved the boy and wanted him but couldn't have him. So what was he supposed to tell Nate?

"I... dunno," he said. "It's just... getting really bad right now, and I don't really know what's wrong but I know something is even if I don't know what it is, and -- " he realized he was talking way too fast and if Nate understood any of that, then he should get a medal. He sniffed, deciding that he had to just be honest. "What's wrong is, I'm alive. I don't want to be anymore. I can't take this." His voice had gotten hoarse and only a few notches above a whisper. "You're the only person worth a damn here. In my life, even, you're the only one who fucking means a go-- a damn thing to me. Do you know how pathetic that is, Nate? I don't want to live not being able to get close to anyone but one person because that's what fucked me in the first place. I can not handle it without her here, and I can't handle you not being with me, which I know is selfish. I don't want to be that person, but I am and I hate it."

He was crying again, and was sure Nate was probably going to think he was severely messed up in the noggin, but he really was. But at least he was honest.

Nate understood part of the gibbering rush of words that spilled from Ace’s lips like a derrick that had just found a pocket of oil. The thick words that coated the air with their feeling, leaving behind a residue that made you wonder what you missed because you seemed to have caught the gist of events anyway. As Ace checked himself and then continued, Nate’s confused face bled into a frown. He hadn’t known that Ace felt that strongly about it, and about him. That was a pretty serious responsibility to lay on someone, and it just plopped down into his lap as comfortable as a kitten.

Not good.

Not good at all.

“Ace, calm down.” Nate felt that unless Ace was calm, he might take what he was going to say next badly. Nate wasn’t even sure why he was so sure what his next words would be, but he just knew. He kept trying to say something different, but this bubbled up and took over every time.

“Ace, if you really don’t want to be alive, than find a way to stop.” There, he’d said it. Even he thought it was a stupid and irresponsible thing to stay to someone, but really, when they were as miserable as Ace, what other choice did you have? You couldn’t tell them to buck up and solider through, they’d heard that, a billion times, and it hadn’t worked yet, why would it suddenly work now?

“I’ll be sad if you….stop, but I’ll understand. The last thing I want is for you to be miserable.” Nate’s words were careful and halting. If a staffer came by, he wasn’t going to get caught talking about suicide. That would be a very bad thing. He’d much rather they think the two boys were talking about something, anything, else. “I don’t want you to stop, but you have to do what makes you happy.”

He wasn’t sure why Ace kept acting like he wasn’t going to be there. Nate was here for at least another eight months, it wasn’t like they were going to let him out early. Granted, he’d get out before Ace, but he couldn’t exactly alter his age just to suit Ace. It would be handy, but real people didn’t have awesome powers like comic book heroes.

“Have you tried reaching out to anyone else? What about your dorm mates?” Surely Ace had bonded with someone other than him. It couldn’t just be him! That was a bit unthinkable. Ace was basically sweet and nice, why wouldn’t someone want to be his friend? It made him feel a bit guilty that he’d not been hanging out with the other boy as much lately. Everything was just so strange and changeable, that he wasn’t sure what was going on most of the time, especially with his whole change in compulsive behaviors.

Nate continued to hold Ace close, trying to soothe him with touch and speech. He really didn’t know how he’d turned into such a comforting person. Generally people didn’t want to be anywhere near him, but then again Ace liked Nate’s drawings, so that could be the explanation there. He still didn’t have one for Ellen, but he was sure that he’d rationalize something sooner or later.

He was glad when Nate said that. Ace had been worried Nate might take it badly... there may be Ellen, but he was sure Nate didn't want to lose his friend. Ace didn't want to lose him, either, but the only thing to do would be to lose everyone. Of course, he knew the consequence for it and it scared him... but it was one eternal suffering for another one. He didn't know which was the lesser of two evils. Then again, after all that had happened, he hardly believed there was a god anymore; in this, the one set of footprints were surely his own. Now he was more apt to believe that everything would go dark forever and he would not hurt, would not feel, wouldn't exist at all, in any plane of existence. He wondered if it was comfortable. Ace heard of old people welcoming death, even non-religious ones, so it must have been okay. Even for himself, that moment in time when everything stopped when his heartbeat had nearly flatlined as the doctors worked to stitch him up and replace all the blood he was losing, he felt like he was floating in his sleep. He didn't remember it much, but he remembered that it was a nice change from everything else.

"I'm going to," he said softly. He was going to stop. He didn't know how or when, but he knew there was a mirror in the attic. He knew that there were knives in the kitchens and probably medical instruments in the nurses' wing. He knew he could refuse to eat. There were opportunities, and he just had to find the right one. Ace was sure he could go through with it, as he already had once.

"I'm sorry... I don't want you to be sad. But... it'll go away." That, he wasn't sure of. It hadn't for him. "I'm going to do this. I don't know when, though. Maybe I shouldn't tell you when I do, so that you don't change your mind. But you... you can't tell anyone, okay?"

Like that was going to happen. Nate was probably going to go run and tell someone... well, maybe not, maybe not after telling Ace that he should if he needed to. Ace, now that he was calm leaned up to whisper "thank you" to him before softly kissing his cheek.

"I've... tried," he said. "I mean... I have some aquaintances, sure. The only one of my dorm mates I've talked to is Huxley and... well, he likes attention on him. And I don't think me and Kizzy hate each other anymore. So at least I won't stop with her hating me. But I tried going online to chat, and someone was just being a total, complete bitch, so I told them off and logged out. That was a serious twat." He scoffed, shaking his head. "I just think that you're the best friend I've had. I don't know why, but I really like you a lot. I think I'm going to miss you the most."

Nate was far more upset than he was letting on. But what was he supposed to do? Beg Ace to be miserable so that he wouldn't be? How was that fair? It wasn't. This whole plan wasn't. But it was what Ace wanted to do, and really, Nate couldn't blame him. This place wasn't exactly the most fun place any of them had ever been. Escape from it was impossible until you were of age, and even then, there were rumors that you didn't actually get to leave. He wouldn't know the truth until next January he supposed, but for him, that was alright. He wasn't like Ace, he couldn't take his own life, he was far to much of a coward for that. In a way, he admired Ace for having the conviction and strength of will that he lacked.

Tears shimmered in his eyes at Ace's pronouncement, but did not fall. He needed to make sure that Ace knew he was alright with the decision. Not that he really was, but if it would make Ace happy, then Nate would go along with it. He wished at this point that he had said something different, something to change Ace's mind, but it was too late for that now.

"It won't go away, I will always be sad to lose you Ace. I won't tell anyone though. This is your choice, and I won't keep you from what will make you happy. You have to promise me to think about it a bit first though, make sure it is what you want to do."

Nate hoped Ace did trust him enough to tell him when he was going to do it. Nate wavered as to whether or not he wanted to be around when Ace did the deed, so he didn't speak on the matter just yet, he would wait until he was sure of what path he wanted to take. He didn't want Ace to be alone, but neither did he particularly want to be there and watch.

The whispered words brought a smile to Nate's face, and he returned a kiss to Ace's cheek. It was little enough, really. He wished there was more he could do, but they were in public, so he merely laced his fingers with the other boy's, squeezing lightly.

"I'll miss you as well Ace. You've made the visions stop. Did I tell you that? I mean, I've still got some of the weirdness going on, but it's not as bad now. I'm sorry about the stupid people online, generally it's just a bad place to be. It's easy to be obnoxious behind a screen like that." Nate shrugged and sighed. "I mostly avoid the chat system, to many jerks and stupidity for me."

He tipped Ace's chin up and after a quick glance up and down the hall, leaned in and kissed him. "I just want you to be happy, Ace. If this is what it takes, then you have my support."

Ace didn't know, but he was thinking the same thing as Nate. He knew it wasn't fair to the other boy, not fair for Ace to just take himself away, but he had to. He would try to wait, he guessed, try to put on happy faces for the therapists so that they'd let their guards down and he could get away with this. He didn't notice the tears in Nate's eyes, either, as he was too busy looking down at his fingernails. "I'll... honestly, I'm not sure how... how I'm going to do it. They're like vultures here."

He shook his head. "No, maybe you're right. Maybe it won't go away, because it..." He sniffed, scooting a bit closer to Nate. If staff saw him, and had something to say, they could bite him. "It didn't for me. But Nate, understand this. I'm not doing it to make myself happy. It's not going to make me happy. I'm probably going to Hell, but I just can't stand being here. Anything but here, and my heart tells me that nothing is worse. I'm doing this to unmake myself. That's all. But yes, I'll think about it." That last part was somewhat empty, as he'd had years to think about it, to try it a few times and fail. He never stopped to think that maybe he failed for a reason, or that hell, maybe Nate was even that reason.

But Ace had thought about that too. Nate would go away the next January, and Ace would never see him again, he was sure. But still... "Nate... if I end up deciding against it, are we still going to keep in touch after you leave? Or... or is that going to be... it? The end? I'm scared to think it would be the end... And... Nate, know this too. I don't want to leave you." He'd started crying again, one hand over his eyes. "I really don't... I wish I didn't ever have to leave you. It might sound stupid, but there it is."

He smiled when Nate kissed his cheek and took his hand, though the tears were still falling. This was how he could live, with Nate being his, and him belonging to the other boy. Well, maybe he could live. No one knew what his future would be, though right now it was looking quite dismal.

"I... they stopped? Me? I did that?" He wiped at his eyes again and turned to face Nate. "I must be magical or some shit. But what do you mean weirdness, like, you're OCD, right? So do you wash your hands with bleach now? Or what? I mean... sorry."

He nodded, sighing. "Yeah, it's... I've rarely been in a chat where someone wasn't being a douche... must be insanity, doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result."

Ace's chin was tilted up, and he waited for Nate to check the hall before they kissed. It was short, but it calmed him more than anything else had. "I want to be happy too... but you're the only one who makes me happy. All the other times, things are hell. Like I said, you're the only one worth a damn, Nate." But he was glad that he had support. "Thank you," he said again. "I... I'll think about it. But I'm still most likely going to do it. It's nothing against you. Just against everything else."