Keziah's Journal

**Keziah Biard** Fri Dec 09, 2011 4:51 am

29 November 2011

Shuffled off again. Ms. Fields is a bitch and my doctor's a ~~lair~~ liar. Courtney and Alisha ~~desides to~~ vandalise my ~~thigs~~ things, but I'm still being punished. Talked to this weird person today a Representative for some facility called Highgrove. sounds like a place where nobody's ever heard from again after they get sent there. I'm not a troubled child, I'm a fucking teenager who's had enough of all this shit. Foster homes don't want you or the adults are off working so hard they barely notice you. The ~~mordid~~ morbid curiosity of people follows you like a stain.

No, I don't want to talk about Eilean Bàn anymore. If you do, go back to before you idiots found me, and then go back further back when I was little enough to believe that there was a ~~shread~~ shred of decency in adults, I know there isn't now but you can make a small child believe anything.

They told me this place is in the Lake District...what kind of stupid name for a place is that? anyway I'm frustrated, I'm gonna end up pulling my hair again, i just know it. I don't like being shipped away.

This is the third time.
Is there really so much wrong with me I have to be sent away again, this time to someplace full of other fuck-ups?

Fuck, I forgot to ask about dorms. I'm never sharing with anyone ever again. But if I do that bitch, or those bitches, are going to know first day that I'm not going to be fucked with. I think, all thing considered, this will be my last entry. I'm gonna tape this book shut and maybe burn the pages when I get the opportunity. I don't like ~~beign~~ being made fun of and it's not going to happen anymore.

_____________________________________________________________________________

2nd December, 2011

Alright so perhaps I lied. I can't help it. I need this stupid thing, the doctor was ~~wright~~ right. Last night I had another night terror, the ones where you don't remember anything worthwhile...I think I was seeing-- I don't know really it was ~~grey~~ gray. Oh, I made a great first impression with the girls I'm stuck with. This blond one, --she had an accent like she never learned how vowels work so she kind of chews on every word like a dog gnawing endlessly on fatty meat--, climbs up the ladder and pinches punches me in the leg like I woke up yesterday morning with this intense need to piss on her.

I didn't mean to piss on her, but she hit me so I kind of went for her. It was strange. Like the way ~~daddy husb that fuck prophet~~ dad used to me when I wet the bed when I was little. Same threat, hair pulling, everything. I guess I feel bad. But she shouldn't have hit me. I don't see how that's right. I don't like it here. I don't know anyone...at least at the girl's home I could talk to people, like Katie. I wonder if she's still so sad. I wonder if that last medication she was on made her better enough to go home. They didn't let me say good bye.

I'm rambling. I guess the trouble I got in for it made sense, the people here are still bastards. but bastards or not I'm here till I turn eighteen...I wish I could be that old already.

**Keziah Biard** Fri Dec 16, 2011 5:14 am

16th December, 2011

I put my favourite online handle on the HighGrove Intranet, I'm dropping it here so I don't forget...and I printed off the bird I'm using as my avatar.

Screenname BlacKBiard
Password c0l0u7 f1 %

*the page has a few ripples where water hit the ink and paper*

Not tears. its nose drip which is probably worse. I'm sat her here in the toilet, sniveling like an idiot because I thought going on the computers would make me feel better about having such bastards for dorm mates. I was wrong. I won't know who that FaithFully or PotatoRiceBall are, but I hate them as much as I can muster.I just asked why everyone was here, then tehy all go around like it's a a bloody group therapy talking about sucide attempts. I don't want to hear about that! Why cna;t peopel be discreet? a little shame never hurt anbody.

Yah, maybe I could ~~ahve~~ been less mean to That cunt FaithFully, but that other cunt Riceball had no right either. No I can't fucking spell. Wasn't exactly something my dad or mum thought inportant for a girl, they didn't need to rub it in. and like ~~som~~ some whipped dog I go back to apologise and find a snark fest ~~waitinf ro~~ waiting for me, so I wasn't as kind as I could have been.

What hurts the worse is that I ~~knwo~~ know it's true.
We're hare because nobody wants us, maybe those lot were wanted before, but I wasn't. and this isn't narsistic child speak, I was TOLD often I Wasn't wanted.

I bet not a single one of them knows what that feels like, so ready to judge. I wonder how many of them claim to be christian or have some faith...and this is the season they choose to be bastards. I'll flush the hair I pulled so nobody has to know. Not that they notice thank fuck. I don't want dinner but not eating'll get attention so I'll do that and go to bed early. they don't care about that bit, just the eating.
Two weeks in and I already hate it here.

___________________________________________________________________

20 December 2011

Dear fucking Christ.

This place is a circle of hell. Here's a boy here, blond hair and looks the part of a normal self-loving little bastard that actually admitted to getting off on hurting people. Well not a ...not in that way...I hope, but still he talked of beating up his ~~littel~~ little sister like it was nothing more then picking lint. I wouldn't piss on the fucker to put out the grass.

Then there was the boy with the blood fetish...I didn't ~~evne~~ know people could ~~liek~~ like that. And I am positive the other IM'ers from last week were in the room, that little Bitch Faithfully one of the blondes... and that Asian kid with the last name Finn... I should have known. Asians don't have names like that.

I don't like the doctor, Beorgen I think it was, he's that kind of bastard you just know punches kittens on his free time. Or some other evil activity, but he's a shrink. Those ones only bother with you on therapy days or group sessions. Mu My concern's more for the ones that I have to go to classes with, and I think most of the people in that group were my year. I also noticed I was one of the only two girls in the group. How's that for sensativity?

Oh there was a boy with dreads, they looked nicely kept, weird to see them on a white kid though, though only my kind of hair could do that.
I don't think Group therapy's going to be a pastime I look forward too. (biggest understatemint ever.) So far the only ~~think~~ I like about this place is the stables. There's something relaxing about being near animals that aren't ~~totetal~~ total shiteheads. It's about time for lunch, I'm going to try and sneak outside to clean my head.

**Keziah Biard** Fri Dec 23, 2011 3:20 am

22 December, 2011

~~I am so angry I don't I can't I~~ I feel like----

Fuck feelings, I know what I want to ~~sae~~say.
I hate the Eileen cunt. and I am so tired ~~altready~~ already.
We keep hving group sessions but isn't the definition of therapy something about helping? then why have I pulled more hair in the last four days than I normally do in a month? my nape is NAKED all the hair the was there is GONE. And everyone here in completely ~~basthit~~ batshit insane.

Hamster murderer was back, along with Finn and that weird kid who draws stuff, and a new boy who looked like he expected to be a human sacrifice right there in the centre of the room...unfortunately for him this place doesn't kill you like ~~tyh~~ that. That slow cunt decides we only get four colours and we have to draw our favourite thing

...AND TELL TOTAL STRANGERS WHAT IT MEANS TO US.

She's not even a shrink!

Why does ~~this cunt get to tell anyone~~ she doesn't have any fucking right to make us do anything, she's just some cunt probably fucking another staffer and thinks that transfers authority. She reminds me of Iseabail and that's not a compliment. Just anothre bitch using her taint to get waht she perseeves to be power. I hope mother's enjoying prison, full of everything she hates and not a single man to fuck her way to a higher position.
I think I'm going to stay here in the stables a bit, talk to the horses and muck those dirty stalls before I go back.
_________________________________________________________________________

25th December, 2011

Right. So.... being nice to arseholes is kind of a stupid thing to engage in. Then again I should be smarter. I Was talking to ~~that bi~~ Faith because, well a ~~cute, handsome, nice looking~~ boy was talking to her, asking her to dance and she had her little blond fit and comes over to me acting like he tried to rape her on the dance floor. I explained to her the dinner and dance part of the evening and then she shoots off before I can even finish talking to her. Extremely rude, but who cares?

Had my first ~~whine~~ wine too, I picked the sweet one, it was nice

After everything I went through as a girl I don't understand how my brain can even bring itself to fancy anything, least of all teenage boys? Now that I get to choose, shouldn't I have turned out ~~lezbein~~ lesbian like Viviana? She was the only other redhead ~~I'dd~~ I've ever met and her dad and uncle ~~shared violated sodimi raped~~ did the same things mine did...but she doesn't like boys anymore, she likes girls now. Why ~~ac't~~ can't I liek girls...or nothing, what was that word...asexual? Yeah I want to be that. Asexual.

It's not like I'd throw myself at anyboy who says hello, otherwise I'd have been hozed off like a bitch in heat my first group sessions. I dunno it's ... it's... I coudl never got for a boy who hurts people on purpose, that's not what I ~~like in a boy~~ want, just...when a boy seems confidant, happy, normal, not all....twisted or weepy, or gay, or some wussy little momma's boy, I... it... [the section here is scratched out heavily and covered on the back with whiteout]

**Keziah Biard** Fri Jan 06, 2012 11:22 pm

6th January, ~~2011 2021~~ 2012

~~After teh dance was crasy, ther was so much clean up and things to do to get eready for the new year.... That's waht hept me away.~~

I'm resolving to write better... this entry is going to take forever but...here goes.

After the dance, everything was crazy, there was so much clean up and things to do to get ready for the nearly year and that kept me away.

But I'm back now, miserable as ever, sitting in a cubicle writing...I can;t stand to be in that dorm 'cept to get ready for bed and to find clothes to tear out. I talk to Laura, she's sweet like a little sister someone needs to look out for. I found out that Nate is Botticelli and this ~~flaily bot~~ flail-y boy named Ira is the one who ~~root'eed~~ root'ed the network...but he's like...he's like nobody taught him how to grow up.

I'm tired.

Not in the sense that I'm about to go for a 'frolic with razoreblades' or some pathetic shit. I'm just....done with everything.
I miss not being caged up. I miss not living with four people who hate me. I miss being able to walk about a city when you were god for a week and get pick-n-mix sweets... I...I hate thsi place. not in the sullen way I did cause I was being tossed off back in November, but in the intimate sense that this... it hurts.

I'm not staying here.
I'm not.
I've got no family, nobody's going to care when I go-- well a couple people will. I need to write a few apology letters for that.

But I'm fucking taking off.
Enough's enough

I had to put up with Father and Iseabail , because I was just a kid but I'm not anymore I don't know when, and I don't know how...but I'm leaving this place.

I gotta stay out of trouble for a long while though, that mean putting up with those cunts and trying to keep them from making Laura hate me too... and probably not calling Finn a fucking mommy-worshiping slanty eyed prick during chores...
But i'm not speakign to him or Faith again.

NOBODY WANTS US WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO SAYS IT?!

It's almost dinner I need to go before ~~oen~~one of the warden's sweeps the bathrooms.

6th January, 2012(15 minutes later)

I always vent in here, it's horrific, so I waited until I stopped wanting to just...explode and began thinking about the Good things that happened during the storm. I actually got to spend time with teh stable master. I like Verne, he's not as asshole like most of the people here, sure I kinda showed up ~~asying~~ saying thingns that might be mistake for crazy...but I've seen the movies, when wolves go to kill you they eat the legs first,then you can;t run, then they go for the ~~ehad~~ head...there's wolves out there and they tried to eat my legs.

... Okay, postive.
Back to positive.

After coming in I got to hand out in the office, it was a lice little place that was warmer then the rest of the stables, I can say that much...I hope the horses were okay in all that weather. and I only had one sort of night terror...I kinda woke up in the middle of the night, but... I kinda of just stared off int space for a second then went back to sleep.I knew I woke up for some reason but...I was too comfy and when back to sleep.

We did chores and Verne showed me how to do those braids you seein the Horses main and tail fro ~~dressaugh dresagh, dres~~Dressage?...(I need to google that word later) I got to cuddle Lottie, she's my favourite right now. But Red is so very pretty, too...
We also did saddle exercises! I can;t wait till it ~~gete~~gets warmer, I want to learn how to ride, really bad...

**Keziah Biard** Tue Jan 17, 2012 12:36 pm

17th January ~~20121~~ 2012

(starting to hate this bloody year already)

It's been a bit over a week since I was last in here, I was trying to work on my writing/spelling and all that out side this before I made another entry....and because I'm trying to be positive I've not found much to write about. I really hate my dorm. It's ~~soffo~~ suffocating, I thin I'd rather live any... no almost anywhere than that room. I can think of worse places but I though Highgrove House was about gettin' better, not learning to tolerate ~~digg~~different ~~elves~~ levels of bullshite.

I'm thinking about them again, it;s making me sick with heartache, I'm tired of it but they're always just beneath the surface, waiting for a segue. (look at that! Spelled it right, fuck you Faith. )

Had a group on the 9th or something and I coulda slept through it, That bloody blood boy Aubrey was there again and it's my time, my cursed time, and I said so in session, it was one about feelings and such some with a wanker by the name of Rose. Finn was there too, the-long suffering little puss. It's okay to talk about suicide but tell the honest truth about why we're all here and suddenly a full scale bitch campaign begins, and then you pretend you don't know why...
And that wasn't even the worse part, he basically told us that we're all headed to bigger loony bins. and Bullshite about his little qualifier 'some' of you. Considering ALL of his patients are in a fucking nut house for mini headcases he think we're all headed to worse places. Fuck him, the only adult here worth their father's seed is Verne(still kidna weird to call him that but he says it's okay.) the rest can ~~ppropmtly~~ promptly go drown in a frozen lake.

I'm going to try sneaking into the stables before lights out, I wonder if I'll be able to sleep there without being treated like a serial killer.

_________________________________________________________________

26th January ~~2102~~ 2012

1: My shrink was the asshole form that group therapy on ~~the9th,~~ the 9th Dr. Rose. What kind of man has a flower's surname? I don't like him. I don;t like anything but I don;t like him.
2: I've ~~hand~~ had so many group therapies in the last few weeks it's made my head spin.
3: Truth or Dare, when run by that little bitch, sucks.

First it was the forgettable session with some skinny library guy and this new bitch who wanted to talk about 'stories we all enjoyed as children' some of us weren't red to as kids, some of us don't quite have this thing about enjoying reading, some of us hate it because it takes ~~house~~ hours to finish. So I tried to leave, she made me stay and then I had to not respond every single time the martyr was rude. If it'd been a drinking game I'dave died.

I think it's a consira... I think it's intentional, and it's not fair. For gods only knows what reason Maggie decided to act like the most ~~skittich~~ skittish person on the planet, and that bitch Adele who wouldn't let ME leave a session with two people who ~~aactively~~ actively don't like me, let HER go from what was likely the most tame session I've even been to... it's not fair. ~~Simpering shouldn't get you anything but something else to simper about~~ It was dramatic and stupid.

There were there boys, one of them from way back at my first session that used to beat up his sister for kicks... he seemed different, then again he keeps being removed form class of a few days and then returning all loopy-ish. There were two more boys but I didn't know them so I didn't bother. we were making cookies. I don;t like chocolate chips, so I made the snickerdoodles. I gave all but one to Laura and Verne, but... while I Was making them I ~~kil~~ I accidently palmed it. It wasn't my fault though! The woman, the older one, kept asking me question like how long I was at Highgrove and if I really liked it here. I'm not that stupid, she just wanted to get me in trouble, and she proved it because when I said 'fuck' after palming my cookie she walked off.

Women are useless save for a handful of things. I tried to fix it but the dough was so crumbly and started to kind of fall apart in my hands. it made me think of my little boy, I didn't form him right when I was holding him, either, if I had he would be about five now, maybe he'd have hair like mine, maybe it'have ended up browner like our father's. I remember he used to kick and move almost constantly, it made it hard to get comfortable with him rippling there all the time. I saw his foot once, pressed against my skin, I wish Iseabail had let me hold him when he came out, at least see him once.
I only ended up making eleven cookies, but the one I tasted was alright.

**Keziah Biard** Mon Feb 06, 2012 12:49 pm

3rd February 2012

I think Dr Rose is probably my favourite therapist here. I know about a week ago I said he was an asshole, but I met a real asshole and Dr. Rose did something really nice for me...he made it so I don't have to sleep over the whiner Ellen anymore! AND Faith and Ellen are now sharing the same bunk, I don't even have to go near then side of the room, I can avoid them both so easily now! OH, and I took my mattress with me, because anything that little freak's slept on I don't want near my body, what ever bitch-diseases she has I will not be catching. I'll thank him when I see him later at dinner, I really appreciate not dealing with those bitches.

I hate Doctor Savage. I think he must hate us, he picks therapy topics that are to...painful and then he just keeps pushing and pushing us until somebody breaks, today it was a boy named Ninian. I felt bad for him but at least I didn't have to talk about my regrets. I don't ever talk about it, nobody will understand and they just give me those pathetic faces that make me feel like there's something wrong with me because it was so bad before that I don't ever want to go back. But everyone else does..

When we were first ~~taken rescued~~ found a therapist had all us kids and women write down what we thought, or well we had to dictate it cause most of us couldn't write or read., I asked a teacher here, it was either the man or the redhead I didn't bother to pay attention which, for some tape and taped it into my journal here. (I'm tearing this up because it's easier to make it make sense in my head if I work on each little bit.)

My name is Keziah, and we want to go home. We have the right to practice our faith and raise our families as we please, let us go home, we miss our families, our husbands, and our children. Please, we just want to go home.

I didn't want to go back I woudl have rathered be slowly suffocated. Speaking to the outsiders was terrifying. All they wanted was for me to talk to them and tell them who my family was, which father was mine which husband and which children, but we'd all be taught to speak only that line. We were taught the officers, and others saving us were damned and if we told them anything we'd go to hell with them. The fear of eternal rejection is powerful, and after fourteen years of crap in this world, there was no way I would say anything to break rank. One very brave girl did though, she was older and her baby was sick.

In the last group run by the peacock asshole, he asked us about our regrets and I thought I was going to die on the spot. More and more I've been thinking about them and ... I

I had two children, neither lived. My son, Ethan, should be turning five this year, he should have been born in April, he wasn't.I remember when Ethan was first growing inside me I think I cried nonstop for the first two months, between morning sickness and the misery of that house I just... At first I hated him, I woudl press my tummy aganist anything, table, chairs, walls, I thought maybe if I squished him he would't be born... I was only eleven, I didnt know anything, I barely understood what pregnant meant untill about five or so monhts in when he was big enough to make me swell and everything hurt and foods I loved made me sick and I craved salty things and sweet things together. Sometimes I would lay on my back and lift up my shirt and watch the ripples he made....I remember the one time our hands touched through my tummy my heart fluttered and suddendly he wasn't Prophet's baby forced in side me...he was my littel boy, my Ethan, my son.
and I wanted to hold him to feel his little fingers around mine, to smell his skin and place my nose on the nape of his neck as I held him liked I watched other mothers do. I treasured every kick after that.

I...wished so hard that he would have to be influenced by our father, I knew what he woudl do, what he did with all his sons, try to make him into a littel prophet . I didnt want my boy to be like him, to be as mean and cold and hard as he was. So...I wished he wouldn't have to be born here, in this..mess... about a week later he...he stopped moving at first our midwife just said he was resting but he wasnt moving even a little, so they...
I never got to see him.

My second child was a daughter, she should be three in November. We didn't know she was a girl till after she died, everyone assumed Ethan was a boy because he was my first and my mot[heavily scratched out], Iseabail, always had boys first. she didn't get to be named. I would have liked to call her Anna. I like to imagine she had hair like mine but she was so little she never grew any. I got to see her...gives menightmares. My regrets are my babies, I killed them. If they had been born to any other girl they would have lived, but they were mine and I killed them. I didnt want them to hurt and be afriad like I was always but it was selfish, I shoudlnt have wished them anything but life. The sick ironeny is that I wanted them to escape living on that island...but...they're buried there, trapped forever.

I I have to lay down. and my pen's getting weak.

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